Stories of Grace | Weakening My Walls
I am a great builder, I can set up walls without even trying. During the “Greet your Neighbor” time on a Sunday morning, it’s easy for me to put on my best smile and keep conversations at the surface level. With community it’s trickier for me to just pass by, but I often opt to keep quiet during discussions, consuming from others but never contributing myself.
Recently I’ve had thoughts of how did I become this way? Have I always been this quiet? Was this a part of my personality or have I conditioned myself to be this way? Why do I feel so isolated? Why do I feel like no one knows the real me? Why do I keep myself hidden?
I remember I wasn’t always this way — when I was a little girl, I would smile and be friendly to everyone. I was bold, honest, and carefree, always rushing off to help those in need. But then the painful realities of our broken and sinful world soon set in. It started with finding out that girls who I thought were my friends weren’t really close with me at all and continued with enemies in disguise who caused my peers to turn their backs on me to the point where I was all alone. My mother would often permit me to skip school so I wouldn’t have to face the immense isolation.
From there, self-hatred seeped in whenever someone would leave or abandon me and I would always find faults within myself. Eventually, I learned to protect myself, building up walls around my heart so that the rejection wouldn’t be so painful. Unfortunately, this allowed me to become comfortable with isolation; I had to learn to survive all by myself. I lived this way for years, keeping others at a distance, hiding my true self, keeping quiet. Even though I feared lonely circumstances, I discovered that numbing my heart and feelings was an even more dangerous place to be.
I gave my life to Christ in high school but my relationship with God and others didn’t change drastically until college. I was in a connection group with some girls who really challenged me to be vulnerable and authentic in community and I finally found the friendships I had always dreamed of. This group of women showed me how wonderful it is to know and be known by others. I was in a great time of knowing God as well, and had such an overwhelming sense of joy in the Lord.
At the time, I couldn’t imagine the horrible trial I had to go through my Senior year of college, suffering through a very long season of overwhelming depression. I felt empty inside and as if nothing mattered, this hopelessness again isolated me from my loved ones. My friends couldn’t understand what I was going through and with the best intentions would suggest reading my bible and prayer to help me. I know they meant well, but their suggestions made it seem as if my relationship with God wasn’t good enough and was the cause for my sudden despair. Experiencing apathy and emptiness, I was at my lowest point and I felt my hands slip from clinging to God.
Amidst this internal turmoil, I re-learned some important truths about God.
- We don’t need to desperately cling to God because he has always clung to us.
- God’s love is steadfast and his faithfulness is awesome.
- Our feelings muddy the truth that God never leaves us (Psalm 139:7-12).
- God allows trials so that we can grow in endurance which leads to hope (Romans 5:3-5).
Recently, God has once again been challenging me to be more authentic in my community by confessing my sin, seeking accountability with others, and sharing my testimony. I still catch myself fighting my natural impulse to hide away and protect myself, but God, with his grace and mercy is shattering my carefully constructed walls and inviting me to build something far more beautiful – an authentic biblical community with Himself and others.
Deleah Pettie, DCC Member
If you are a member with DCC and have a story of grace to share please email email@example.com.